I think that I am just one of the millions, but I'm finding this corona lockdown (of sorts) to be an extraordinary source of stress, depression, insecurity. While we all seem to be trying to follow our daily lives with some sort of normalcy, it seems to me to be a farce. A masquerade, if you like. People who say "fine" to "how are you?" I don't really believe them. Either they are pathologically optimistic, or they are quite adept at lying to themselves, or they are ignorant to the tsunami of world problems hanging over our heads. The worst part is that we have purposely thrown away almost every possible way of alleviating emotional pain by rejecting our need for culture. While social contact has become the enemy, every part of humanity that shows some beauty, art, music, literature, dance, ... it's seen as a disposable hobby.
I'll be continuing to write about this, I'm sure, and again, I'm just one of the millions. But, I'm finding this time to be particularly hard. I started playing the violin at age 4. I continued my passion for music in high school, taking private conducting lessons, playing flute, playing in orchestra. I then went to university, getting two Bachelors degrees and one Masters degree in music (violin, choral conducting, orchestral conducting), studying voice on the side. My whole life has been focussed on music, on becoming my dream, a choral and orchestral conductor. And through all of the struggles and difficulties, especially with myself (you must conquer and come to terms with your own personality first!), I finally made it.
And yet, this job, this dream job, is no longer possible. Dispensable. I stood in front of all age groups, many different combinations, from beginners to professionals, and made wonderful, beautiful music. The one thing that I see that is good in humanity. Perhaps, the only thing (my opinion). Dispensable. It saddens me.
I don't know how to put my grief into song. It'll hopefully come soon.